I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
