Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
