HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
