Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
