Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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