woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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