i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Houston, we have a squirter
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
