I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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