i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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