You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
We had sex on a dog bed..
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
