i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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