had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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