just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
We left the knife in your bed.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
