I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
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