I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
