We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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