I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
do herpes really smell.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
