My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
