I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
