it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
