I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
