i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
You can't special order awesome
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
