Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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