No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
