He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Randomize
