you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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