You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
