I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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