My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
