cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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