I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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