the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
