Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
