I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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