Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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