I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize