The maid of honor just puked.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
