remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
