and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
