You really coming over, don't trick.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Randomize
