not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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