i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
