can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
meet me or not, i'm out of control
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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