Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
