so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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