My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
