i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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