my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Why is there bacon in the couch?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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