matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
