Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
