if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Randomize
