Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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