Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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