Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
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