The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
