I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Randomize
