i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
